He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
I think my vagina is haunted
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
