I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Randomize
