His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
We had sex on a dog bed..
If I die, sorry about rent.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize