Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
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