i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Randomize
