I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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