I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
