You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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