Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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