Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
Randomize
