But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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