sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
I forget how to act sober
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
Randomize
