my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Randomize
