theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Randomize
