Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
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