So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
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