After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize
