Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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