Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
you mean i was at the winter classic?
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
