seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
Randomize
