smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
Betty ford says i'm here all night
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
