Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
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