I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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