Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Randomize