my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
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