Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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