like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
