I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
