I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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