My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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