so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
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