just come out here and I will go home with you...
Your mouth is God's brothel.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Randomize
