HIV tests are more positive than that guy
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
