Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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