Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
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