im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
Randomize
