I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
