dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
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