At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I just forgot I was standing up.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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