I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
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