You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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