We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
