I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Randomize
