WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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