Heybabeimwearingurpanties
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Randomize
