my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
