so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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