Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
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