bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
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