Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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