I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
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