i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize