FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
