She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
