can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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