There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Randomize
