So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
i drank out of a bidet.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
