Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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