As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
