Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
