U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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