even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
