I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Randomize
