He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Randomize
