I accidentally burped into my bong.
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
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