I could make wine with my vomit
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize
