girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
sex in a hospital.. check
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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