I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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