I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Randomize
